It’s been an eerie halloween season, many ghosts came up form the past and now that time being over, we get to look at it and process. Not all ghosts show up as spooky spectres, I am referring to ghosts from our own past and how in a week and a half, many ghosts from 1999 showed up in front of me and in one case literally at my own two feet.
October 30th was my wedding anniversary date, I am divorced but it would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. I don’t think much about my ex anymore but I still do love that wedding. It was a big huge fun splashy affair. I don’t focus much on the marriage but remember fondly the day. My sister is about to have her big splashy wedding in a few weeks, so part of my memories may be kicked up a bit for that reason but also, for some reason, 1999 keeps coming back.
My absolute favorite band, the Spoo Monkeys had a reunion show over the weekend. I spent quite a bit of my young adult life watching their shows, hanging out with the band members, they were my best firends, my youthful family, the group where my identity was formed and in some cases recorded word for word in the songs they wrote. If I ever need to remember something from 1995-2000, I play a disc. Also, the Spoo Monkeys played at (no surprise) my wedding, I kept the video for many reasons but partly for the band and the people who have passed from that time.
My wedding dress surfaced last week too. Its a huge gorgeous dress that I must admit, I still love. I had it out on the floor of my apartment marveling at it, how happy I had dreamt I would be while wearing this dress, how the sparkly tulle equaled my hopes for that marriage and the world. It was 1999, we as a country had not been subjected to the extreme of terrorism, the economy was booming, as bubbly and hopeful as my wedding veil.
I have been given many gifts of 1999 this past week and a half, I have been thinking about what the meaning of that might be. Am I to remember what being purely sure the world was a gorgeous place was? It’s not that I am old and bitter, by no means but I do have those years of desperate poverty and while it is better now, I am not out of it yet. Was I to be reminded of what it was like to be in a huge room of those near and dear? That music from that band that would unite me with many other souls seemingly looking for similar definitions of identity? Or back to a time when I went out more …to shows or parties, conventions because I had not explored the world in my little Dayton, Ohio but now I tend to stick to my small town nearby. Are any of these things worse or better?
What if it’s both?
What if it was only to show me AGAIN that people change, that I changed and in the end the only thing that matters is our own happiness? Being kind is closer to our true self than being right. A great melody is best served with harmonies and killer lyrics; loving brilliant people comes with lessons. Seeing someone after many years …after possibly anger or strife and being able to look at them as they are now instead of the crud of the years gone by, seeing them with love and noticing they are happy and in a flash knowing the same about yourself…that is why tears fell down my face listening to my favorite band from 1999.
Maybe I need to forgive that idealistic 24 year old. It was the beginning of many years of unhappiness that led to other years of unhappiness sliding down into the murky volcano that erupted years ago… of which the forest of the now is sprouting hope and life from; the lava of the past is my foundation.
Maybe I need to love who I was.
Maybe I need to embrace my sparkly veil, just as those boys in that band needed to be reminded that they made a difference to crowds of people. Maybe I need to do the same.
To the member of the Spoo Monkeys, I thank you for doing that reunion show and reminding me of some of the wonder I have been missing.
1999, you are a wonderful part of me.
Blessings on you, friends!
My Dad and I