Fall is another good time of year to urge stuff in your life you no longer need. If something isn’t serving you anymore such as clutter in your home, relationships, that job, then why hold onto it all winter? It will be more difficult int eh winter to get it out of your life, so do it now and be free!
I was talking to a friend the other day the other day and she is going through a hard time. We have all been there, major changes that make us feel angry or less and no matter what we do to try and move on or fix the situation, we cannot move.
I was in the same situation in 2008. I had a horrible break up just a few months before my ex showed up to work for me for a while. I did everything I could to alleviate the rage, betrayal and sorrow that I was carrying. I spent over two grand in three months desperately trying to fix myself so I could at least be …less full of rage, betrayal and sorrow. Nothing worked. I had no choice but to be filled with rage,betrayal and sorrow. I stayed that way for months..almost a whole year.
Sometimes, you just have to be miserable before you can move on.
Humans are amazing, we can create inner words in our minds of how things are supposed to be but that rarely matches with reality. When the shoulds clash with the reality, that’s when rage,betrayal and sorrow show themselves inconveniently taking hold of us, sometimes for long periods of time. Sometimes we are rendered powerless against them forcing us to embrace these emotions. The only way to part with them is to embrace them and accept they may be here a while.
When we have a life shattering event, like a break up, it’s no different in our minds than a death. Both can be sudden, create chaos and change the course of someone’s life. Yet we look to those who survive a death with more compassion than those in a brake up. Why? Because death is permanent? Because death takes no fault? Because grief from death is more acceptable? I don’t know about you, but break ups can be just as severe as death, they have just as much loss, permanence, confusion and tragedy. Sometimes break ups are worse, because you might get answers back to your questions but those answers don’t satisfy your pain.
So what do we do with this grief? Feel it. Embrace it. Stay with it till the bitter end, learn to live your life in coexistence. Write out your pain in a journal. Talk with supportive people, look for those that allow you to re-hash the same story over and over again. Find a support group or counselor. Sift through your shattered pieces to find the nuggets that you may re-build your life. Most importantly, have compassion for yourself, there is no logic in recovery, no answer to how long you will need, just accept that you will need to till you don’t.
What if someone you love is going through this? Be supportive in a way that doesn’t exacerbate their pain. Refrain from telling them how wrong they are for still feeling loss or asking why they are still upset or that other person isn’t worth this grief. I’ll tell you from experience every time someone said that stuff to me it made me feel way worse. If you are presenting a grieving person with this list, look at yourself and see how you handled loss. If you are truly upset from someone else’s loss then maybe you are still dealing with your own and need to address your grief. Throwing our irritations at others for our own grief isn’t helping anyone. So be very kind to them, allow them space to re-hash their pain as they need knowing that you were given the same compassion at one time(or will). Help them release the past by listening only.
Self-care is the key to releasing the pain of loss, it can be the miracle that aids us even in the most dire of circumstances. Choosing a regimented hygiene schedule can be helpful such as flossing your teeth, painting nails, exercise, massages or special fancy body wash. Maybe a new pet from a shelter is a good idea, saving a life and having some companionship. Maybe it’s time to branch out into some new hobbies like knitting, coin collecting or board games. Self-care is the way we bridge ourselves to the new version of us, by accomplishing simple inexpensive tasks we build our confidence in ourselves. That’s the key to recovery, learning to trust ourselves again while being okay with looking like we were hit by a train.
Give yourself the time you need to become what you are becoming. The crazy thing is, once you start becoming you never stop!
My wishes for you are true happiness, recovery from your pain and exquisite love!
The National Suicide prevention lifeline http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-TALK